im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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