so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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