i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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