thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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