you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
