I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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