my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Drake has all the answers
Randomize
