That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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