I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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