I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
