I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
