so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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