This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Damn victory sex feels great
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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