Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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