Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You ruined the universe
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
