I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
