I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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