dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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