around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
