dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
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