did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
