Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
