I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
