She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
