She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
