seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize