i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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