We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm sobbing to NWA
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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