My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
