now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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