I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
