I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
