just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
