so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
