At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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