All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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