Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
