i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
