I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
