I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
