Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
