JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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