Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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