i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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