i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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