All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize