I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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