I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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