i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
