I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
