Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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