the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
