why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
