don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
what day is it and did you see me today?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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