It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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