oh god the rape fog is back!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
