never play flip cup with pint glasses
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
