Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
