wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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