I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
