The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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